Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
