Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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