I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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