Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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