what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
