I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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