says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
