everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
