so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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