I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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