4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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