She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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