Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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