my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize