I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
