Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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