my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
