the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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