Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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