I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
