Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
