she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
