I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize