Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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