if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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