she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
