you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
