Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
