Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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