im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
