there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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