your parents love me but you hate me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
