I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
