it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
