Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
