I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
