There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
