you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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