i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
