when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
