I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have fence marks all over my body
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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