I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
