East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
