quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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