I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
