i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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