dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
