Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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