Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
