Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
