pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
