i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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