I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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