I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
