Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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