tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
